my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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