Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
