the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
