We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
