mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
