I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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