We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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