So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
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