i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
