watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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