I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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