ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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