Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
