and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
