I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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