i think my tv is drunk
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize