a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
