So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
