i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize