So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
