Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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