4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
