Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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