Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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