He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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