Your face is a jimmy john
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
