Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
