I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
