no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
