Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
