She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
