captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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