Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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