I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
