I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Never joke about your clitoris.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
