its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
