Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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