dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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