A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
