Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
