How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
