It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize