I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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