I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
