just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
