im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
