I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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