we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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