I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
