I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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