I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
