I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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