Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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