Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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