i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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