apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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