I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
