textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
