she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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